I guess i have learnt alot from these feelings. Why do you have to make it so difficult. I needed your attention. I needed your love was it very hard to give your love? Why did you have to share your love... to so many people. Did you know how hard was it to see you going out with your friends clubbing and to just wonder about the possibilities of what will happen.. did you know how many times have so many guys proclaimed that your girlfriend so wild.... and ask me if i had an open relationship. becos of the things i allow you to do. I gave in alot. I couldn't say no... because you would have gone along anyway... it was what you liked it was, what you always wanted.... your overseas trips... your clubbing activities.. your whatevers... Many times... i would ask you for small requests... but you would reject them or try to give me some dumb compromise... i needed your attention... i needed your love. I needed to be with you more often. but you didn't gave me any time. You were so free. but you chose to gave your time to others.. " i kinda got used to the meeting once a week " .... i guess you kinda got used to me being your weekend boyfriend...
So i couldnt take it anymore. i couldnt take any more pain or hurt. I tried to practice dancing and everything.... but i couldn't make it ... because... there wasn't any affirmation. there wasnt any love... or appreciation. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to say. I try to ask you a few favours. Our arguing made it worst. You just kept wanting to have your way. it was so frustrating... i always heard you trying to argue your way out of things.... even when you say sorry. it was with alot of ... reasons.... and excuses.... so irritating. it made me even more angry. I knew that you will never ever be who i expect you to be... I realised there were so many things i couldn't stand about you.. but i always just closed 1 eye..... ? closed 2 eyes? closed 10 eyes. because ..... i thought it was the right thing to do. sometimes when you bottle them up....there comes to a point when it overflows.... maybe that day was that point. i dont know. When i think of you.... there is only sad and painful memories... all my good memories have started to fade. Yesterday i saw... him sending dawn to church. "I wanted to celebrate her birthday .... i wanted to... i spent so much effort on organizing and trying to make her happy..." but... i guess.... sad memories start to ... take over... i couldnt bare to talk to her... i couldnt bear to ask her any thing about her birthday... because i know its with him. some dumb candlelight shit.... and i'll probably will be sad....why am i so critical over her. well.... louelle says " its because you still care about her and want her to change" maybe i do.... maybe i do.... but i dont want to..i dont want to anymore... i know its impossible between us ( or is it?).... there are just so many minefields... so many nuclear bombs... between us... i know i have been harsh .... but i only do everything in defence.... maybe revenge? i dont know.... im human after all.... how can we be best friends.... how can we be good friends.... how can we be friends... how could we become a couple? I was too naive. i tried to hug you.... to once again experience the love.... but it wasnt reciprocated. there still wasn't any time for me... i guess... i am not important anymore.
here is nathaniel being brutally honest ....
what i really want right now... is a hug a kiss .... a touch....
Will you be able to give me this?
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