reflecting ...

Looking back on my past actions.

I realised the harder you try. the more you expect..
like doing a project. imagine working 24/7 for it. but... after that... realised that
it isnt counted into your grades. or maybe you got a C... what will you do?
is the effort enough? or is the end result, the profit better? or is it you just suck at it?
some times... only God see the effort.... not anyone else. sadly, not anyone else...

i want this feeling to never stop!

its nice to feel like you are wanted and needed....

i ...really hope you like what i planned for you! (:

i thought through on what i heard and communicated. i guess.. its a learning process. To me.. i knew why i got in it so fast already. because.... there is always so much to learn so much to understand. You can never truely know a person.... so i guess... just place my trust in you and learn along the way. It is really faster this way (: haha.

Slowly but surely my feelings develop.... slowly but surely... i know that there is only 1 thing on my mind..... and that is.... yeah... making sure that you are happy. putting a smile on your face.

my expectations are probably too much.... once again

random thoughts

Your actions and words doesn't match up. something aint right.



Im so so tired.... i wish i can sleep abit more... i wish there is a bolster and osim nap blanket for me to hug. or.... just someone for me to rest on.



i present to you a tree and a heart! What does a tree and a heart have in common?


*da da da da da*
*drum rolls*




They have a T in it.... and now im finally finishing the LAST the Ts in my work. haha



Today i was reading ezekiel chapter 2. It talks about God appearing infront of ezekiel and calling him to go and speak to the israelites. It speaks about God sending Ezekiel to speak to the rebellous nation. The nation that was chosen by God but have fallen into sin. After that God comforted and encouraged Ezekiel on not being afraid of the circumstances or the things that will happen because.... He will be with Ezekiel.....
This boils down to the problem of trust. Whether i trust God enough to put my life into his hands and go to do a task that seems impossible to complete. Why shouldn't i, God is my creator afterall.... Why shouldn't i? God have performed and accomplished so many things in my life... why shouldn't i? God loves me more than i can love her....

let me slowly but surely learn.... and grow (:

friends come and go.... but i guess only true friends will stand by your side

You seem so far away from me...
I cant seem to smell you at all....
maybe its my blocked nose. or my tired eyes.

i want my osim nap blanket and a fan to blow towards my bed. (:
*wooooooooo hear the fan blowing and i remember the phone calls*

give me give me give me! =s

As I read the bible of God Goodness across the land. My mind couldn’t help but wonder why… I did or could not understand that concept… of his goodness…

As I thought back on my life…. As a christian and the mission trip that I went. I realized how easily I forget about God’s providence and goodness in my life. And many times… I take things that I see or use very often for granted..

God you are the creator of the universe. You made the world so beautiful and wonderful. The trees the mountains … the creatures of the air, land and sea… You create me… and people like me… that we may experience the wonderful times of loving and being loved. You are my provider and you hold my world in your hand. God you provide a wonderful family and house under my head. How fortunate I am to be born in a comfortable place. How selfish I am not to share it with others….

The very backbone of my existence is centered on your breath… Let me not forget it and let me cherish every moment spent in the world, with you… with her.

This is very illegal but.. haha. I am blogging while working. Ohwell. I felt that I have to say this… If not I would forget and miss the chance...

I really want to make it work… I really hope …. this will work out! (:
I think I have no confidence in myself !! but… slowly… I guess… I want my No.3 HAHA!

http://www.flickr.com/photos/glenographer

I just came back from China... China was really a wonderful place. but.... 10 days is more than enough.... i dont think i want to go back to china in a very very long period of time. But i'm really glad that i got the opportunity to buy damn nice clothes haha! my tailor clothes look really nice! if i got pictures of them! i would post them! one of the things i loved about china was the temperature. i remember when i first stepped into singapore and bathed ....after i came out of the shower i had perspiration ..... oh my. It was like tellinng me ... Welcome back to Singapore!!!
Another thing was the cute cat!! when im not that.... tired i'll.... post some pics of the kitten!


haha... i guess. absence makes the heart grow fonder. I'm so glad i got the opportunity to express out my heart's desire. I love being brutally honest. i am thinking of getting a bolster ! haha. =) it seems very similar to something i love alot! (: haha
Thanks for the donuts! (: really loved them..

I miss you crazy! (:
cant wait to see you again

RAWRRRRRRR !!!

OMG PACKING

okay. i need to put....
Slippers
shoes
Toothbrush
hair wax
errs..... pen pen .... where to get a pen!

whatelse.. what else...

damn i cant find my internet banking!
!!! i need to pay 2 bills... arghh

ah.. stress!

okay... i need to put games in my psp and.... songs in my phone.

i miss you! but i guess. i shouldn't disturb you....*ohwell*

anyway... just to show you the pictures of the baby. she is so cute! she is going to be a happy and beautiful girl!

i Secretly took the photos so! haha dont let the mommy know okay?!


She like my wallet alot! she wants the money inside! hahaha




yay she held my hand! haha

yesterday... was a very important and significant day in my calendar.. but...the most hilarious thing that happened was we saw cockroaches everywhere. like 4 - 5 cockroaches.... it was really a scary sight.

You really caught me unaware.... I dreamed of a better time!! where i was more prepared, where i was ready.... maybe i could have rehearsed my lines! too baddd for you ! :p

gotta go. my alarm clock is ringing, time is ticking.

Can i kick you ?

can i kick you? rawr! haha
thinking ... and writing ... it down

anyway i think i'm shedding... hair
like i eat too salty things or something? ohwell
so weird.

got fooled ! :( damnnn haha

Now im pretty sure no bus has a sbstransit spraypaint! Only that bus has it.That means that bus was 1 in a millioonnn haha...

This was what happened, i spotted a bus with a sbstransit spraypaint at the side of the bus and i was fascinated by it. Jolene and lisbeth i mean lisbeth and jolene (:told me that every bus had that spraypaint and that i was blurrr! hmm. i believed them!!

i really had a great time with the guys and with them... we ate some super oily chicken rice... and then we went on to cheesecake shop! haha.. it was really cosy and comfy there. becos there was a minimum order of 1 per person and i thought about her.. i bought 1 cheesecake for her! i realised i bought the wrong cake but.... ohwell! its the thought that counts =x i hope haha...

its in 3 more days.. my shanghai trip.... i dont know i have really mixed feelings. i think its going to be fun but..... i am really gonna leave my friends for 10 days. ohwell. i havent packed, i got work... im exhausted, i need to go out too! so many things to do. so little time.

- i really appreciate you talking to me while i was lonely. i thought we could be good friends.... i shared with you my secrets and did crazy stuff on the phone that i would never do to anyone else. i guess. it was not meant to be. i cant believe it was just over a cancelled appointment. duh.... goodbye.

But i'm happy. becos i made new friends and..... i cant wait to meet my friend in beijing!

whatever....

at least i tried....

im tired....

goodnights.

Im going china in like 3-4days. ah. before i even went there. i was bombarded with "requests"
"remember to get me something from china!" haha... so i shall try to remember who do i give special emphasis to.

i had a wonderful day today. a little burnt but still enjoyable. playing in the water and just chatting. Trying to get her across the water is so tough! haha. at the end it rained for a while ending our day. such cheap and good fun! (: lets go again!

ah super tired.

oh man... i realised i didnt post my post..... haha. i probably was too sleepy. forget it...
i love the sea breeze maybe i should SHOUT IT OUT.....

my Feelings

I shall not be hesistant nor embarassed.
I really hope she understands....
I really hope there is no misunderstanding...
I am falling head over heels in love with her.
When i see her, my mood immediately changes....
I wish that time would come to a standstill.....
Just to let me enjoy the beauty of her silhouette figure.
Sometimes she is just so far away from my grasp.... however,
If her silhouette is so beautiful, what more the person.

On my way back home while eating alone at chompchomp.... i thought about many things... i also prayed about many things. i realized something was missing in my life currently. It was my parents.. and my sisters... being alone at home does not solves the problem.... It made me realised how lonely i was... and how much i longed for a companion... how badly i needed someone to love me. Especially when dawn left me. I realised computer games, doesnt fill up the gap. friends might have....but it wasn't enough. However it was you that left me breathless. Even if it was just a little .... Even if you gave me just a little i was satisfied ...

I came to a conclusion.... that you are the person i adored. You were the one that made me happy on the inside. No matter what the conclusion may be at the very end, I still enjoyed the company, the fellowship, the laughter, and the sorrow and i hope we will always stay as friends... because you were/are someone that was/is special.

For now, let me say,
I honestly love you.

Was it worth it?

if you accidentally drink glass ... would you cough? cos i think i accidentally did... from that bottle of drink.... ohwell. My throat is itchy

was it worth it?
i don't know...

Soulmate.

I decided to write out who i want for my soulmate. To me. looks, might come first for first impressions. but i believe in inner beauty that will radiate brighter from within, that is the most important.

I hope my wife would be like this....
- I want to display the real nathanielchenzhengwei infront of her, and not feel like i am being scrutinized over everything i do. I also do not want to feel embarrassed over different issues.
- I don't want her to get bored of me. Even when i am talking rubbish.... even when i am very quiet. We will enjoy the silence together. We will enjoy the sounds of nature.
- I don't want her to look and my financial status and compare it with other people. Or feel that i am inadequate because I am not rich.
- I wish that everywhere we go will be an adventure. Not something to dread about. Even to a coffeeshop, you will enjoy the company.
- I want a God chaser. I want someone who is after God's heart.... So that i can talk to her about spiritualll stuff rawr!

Most importantly, i want to make a right decision.... many times i have relied on my own strength and mind to make decisions... that are not pleasing to God's eyes...

I remember yesterday i wrote about... friendships and commitments and what i truely hold dear. Day 38, tuesday Jesus regarded the fellow christians as his brother, sister and mother.. Does that mean we have to treat everyone like how we would treat our siblings? I guess. relationships are always important.

Day 39... relying on the holy spirit. What is the holy spirit to me? It is like water. Imagine your very being is a cup. The holy spirit will flows and fills up the cup.
If you want more and more of the holy spirit. It will fill up to the very brim..of the cup.
However, the problem is that the water is living. So it chooses where it wants to fill up.
It is like saying the owner of the cup either has a pump to pump out the water or has a jug to pour living water into the cup.

What happens when you are fill to the brim.... You become very attractive to the thirsty. You become fat and heavy. So you will want to exercise your faith and do good works for the Lord Jesus Christ.

Oh Lord, may you fill me to the brim. May your presence be ever so strong.
Work through my life, make me a spiritually fit person. Let me thirst from you.
for only you can satisfy my hunger. Only you can fill my cup till overflowing.
Let me be aware of your presence with me.
Thank you Lord,
Amen

When i entered the room,
my sister retorted NAT why you hang the clothes till so ugly!
I thought to myself, whether its ugly or not ... i do not care.
i only care if my clothes are dry.... haha. ohwell.

Some people said im spending alot of money. but... i somehow disagree.
Most of the time I am investing in my friendships, commitments and love.
i heard it on a youtube video today. the things that actually matters the most,
is friendships, commitments and love... and after thinking... i think its true..
maybe money aint that important after all. My 2 months of break has really
been a good time just to relax and spend time with my friends.
Indeed ... my 2 months has lead me to meet new friends... friends that i find to be fairly interesting. Different people with different personalities. I had time to just catch up with my guy friends. and to really talk to them and share my life with them. I had time to exercise and wake up at.... 12pm haha. it really feels good.

Sometimes.... you try to look forward to something. But you realised that actually whatever that you wanted... aint that attractive after all... for e.g.. when i was in jc2... i wanted so badly to enter the army. becos.... i thought it was a piece of cake , (i was fit , blahblah) but when i entered the army.... i WANTED to get out so badly. When i was in OCS i badly wanted to get a staff position. when i was in it... i got a horrible boss... and i spent alot of money on transport and food. Many times, the grass looks greener. But .... if you look at it carefully there are bugs in the grass... the green is the colour of the bugs.

However, I feel that there are things that are important to look forward too... such as.... finding my soulmate. and becoming more like Jesus... haha.
thats why i feel that it is important to invest in lives instead of material wealth.... okay i think it made no sense.. but who cares...

I really had 2 wonderful weeks.... i thoroughly enjoyed the companionship, the evilness and the sorrow. I have learnt how important friends are. And... how different people can really be. Sometimes i guess i really have to think abit more.. before i speak. becos i never know how much it might actually affect someone. It might be nothing for me. becos i grew up living with SUANING .... yeah. but sometimes it might just burst the ego bubble of many. I remember saying "oh but i've got an office job with a 1k pay" it was really meant jokingly but i didnt know there was an adverse effect on that person.

I guess sometimes its better to just ZIP and act like you are thinking ALOT although you are not, than to really burst out and harm the other person.

my money... has started to drop significantly... i am thinking of starting to find a job once again... somehow i am quite reluctant. I am afraid of not being able to spend time with my friends. On the Apr the 9th i am also going to China. haha i am going to meet my friend in Beijing. i really look forward to that.... but i am really gonna miss the companionship that we are sharing...

sometimes i do ask myself whether would i give willingly and sacrificially for a friend and whether it was worthwhile to spend my time and my perspiration.
Maybe once in a while...
but i do know i definitely treat her slightly better than a friend... ohwell.
it has been 4 memorable days of knowing and spending quality time ....
i hope i did enough to leave a lasting impression!

My only regret is not being able to make my mind about certain issues and.... not being about to remember certain things such as *look below*.

I also need to remember honey water in a washed plastic bottle .... rawr..